and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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