We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
