I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
