i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
