3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
