You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
