He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
