Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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