I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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