Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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