She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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