The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
