I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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