I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
