I hope my margaritas pass through security.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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