I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
