Your mouth is God's brothel.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
3pm strippers are depressing
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
