My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
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