I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
