so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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