I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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