my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
