I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
