I seem to have left my pride at pride
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
