why didn't you poke me back
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
