How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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