No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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