I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
my liver is dry heaving
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
