I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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