hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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