what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
