im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you mean i was at the winter classic?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
