It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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