Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
