ya dads aren't the best wingmen
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
