she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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