Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
