Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
