I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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