My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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