Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I would fuck him just for his dog
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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