i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
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Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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