Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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