The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
