My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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