the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
