I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
