My sheets look like a crime scene.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
