Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
