I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
