So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
