mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
