You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
