She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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