brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
