Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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