I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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