She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
